If you're unfamiliar with the Turing Test, it's a test for artificial intelligence (AI) programs. Essentially, a person types questions into a computer terminal and there is a computer and one or two other people on computer terminals. The people and the computer program answer the questions. If the person can't tell which is the computer and which are the human subjects, the AI program is successful. It can "converse" as well as humans.

We've all spent time--probably a great deal of time--on some kind of customer service line waiting and then talking to someone to try to solve a problem. In almost every instance this is quite frustrating. Usually because you end up listening to cheesey music for 15 or more minutes before you get to talk to anyone. I'd say about 1/3 or 1/4 of the time it's frustrating because the person you talk to in incredibly unhelpful.

Now, I used to be patient with these people. I could sympathize because I knew they had a crappy job and didn't always have a lot of lattitude when it came to problem-solving. I was very patient, even apologetic, because I knew my problem was creating difficulty for them. Well, not any more. The problem, I think, is the whole damn culture. If they can't solve a simple problem, or even give a reasonable answer, then their whole damn workplace is disfunctional and by God, someone's going to here about it.

I submit that:

1.) There are no human beings in these alleged call centers. (Very unlikely.)

Or, as is more likely:

2.) The people answering the phones are so constrained, the workplace so dysfunctinal, their jobs so dismal, that once they enter the workplace, they are no longer human. At least not in an intellectual sense. They are reduced to automatons. Their minds shift into a kind of rudimentary AI state that is quickly confused by questions that cause them to deviate from a pat script. A script that probably sits on their desks in a three-ring binder. They answer a dozen or so questions a day for hundreds of people. When someone calls with a question that is outside of these 12; when they can't find it in their three-ring binders; they're like deer in car headlights. You the caller are the problem and they begin to treat you like you've come to beat them with baseball bats. You the caller become morally repugnant. (I should mention that I've worked on the phones at one such dysfunctional office. I hope I was more creative than some of the people I've recently dealt with. A few people would probably differ with me.)

Let me see if I can recreate a recent phone conversation I had with one such person. Now this involves UPS. I'd recieved something via UPS that was damaged. I'd finally arranged for reimbursement from the shipper if I could get something from UPS that said it was improperly packed.

ME: Hi, I recieved a package that was damaged. The shipper says he never recieved notification from you on the insurance claim. Could you just resend it to him?

UPS: I'm sorry sir, I can't release the information. It's UPS policy to only deal with the shipper.

ME: That's fine. I'm not asking you to send it to me. I want you to send it to him.

UPS: I'm sorry sir, the shipper will have to call and request that information. I show we sent him a letter on [such and such a date].

ME: Yeah, he claims he never recieved it. You see, if you send him another one, you would be dealing with the shipper. I don't need it. He does.

UPS: I'm sorry sir, I can only deal with the shipper. If he were to call we could send him a letter.

ME: [exasperated] Okay, fine. Can you do this for me? Can you send me a letter or even an e-mail saying it's your policy that you only deal with the shipper? I've gone through third-party mediation to get this guy to agree to pay. I just want something showing why I can't get this information for him.

UPS: I'm sorry sir, I don't have the ability to do that either.

ME: Why not?

UPS: I can't release that information sir. [You begin so see how the person is acting like a machine with their answers. The same answer to different questions. No ability to give a reasonable explanation.]

ME: [very exasperated] I'm not asking you release anything. You just said it's UPS policy. It's information you freely give out.

[I'm going to skip ahead now to the end after I've completely given up. Here's where I try once more to connect with them as another human being. One problem with this is that the person is really pissed-off at me.]

ME: So do you get a lot of complaints like this?

UPS: I don't understand the question sir.

ME: You know. You, as a person on the phones, do a lot of people call in with similar problems?

UPS: I assure you sir, we get many comments and we respond to all of them.

ME: [chuckling] Okay then, you have a nice day.

The point of all of this is that as hard as I tried, I couldn't get the person on the other end to deviate from their script in the slightest. In fact, at the very end, I even confused them slightly. They were giving irrevelant answers in attempt to get me off the phone. I wonder if it's some kind of passive-agressive thing workers do on customer service lines. The person in the above conversation could not pass a simple Turing Test. I got the exact same answer to multiple questions. Sometimes the answers didn't apply in any way to what I was asking.

Some day I'm going to start a consulting firm for customer service centers. We would train people to listen. Train managers to make sure their employees had enough lattitude to provide good service and solve problems creatively. We would hold a ceremonial burning of all three-ring binders. We would start by giving everyone on the phones a raise. Preferably a big one.